They say there are 5 stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have to say I’ve gone through all of those in the last 2 years after my awakening but not necessarily in this order. Case in point, the anger phase is back and stronger than it’s ever been.
We were in love. We always had this amazing connection. Then she was locked in that little room.
And I was paralyzed.
I used to think I was her rock. Her pillar. I quite enjoyed that. I made it my mission to be there when she needed me.
But I failed.
Now she understands why and doesn’t blame me per se. But the fact remains that I have failed. I have failed her.
And I blame myself, badly. But I’m absolutely enraged towards the Guru and the Traitor. It’s not even anger. It’s hatred. It’s pure wrath. They have pushed me to fail her. And I despise them for it. I’m livid.
There is certainly a denial phase when you get out of this kind of situation. But that’s long gone. They are the worst people I have ever had the displeasure of being in contact with. They are despicable beings. Unfortunately for me, they were all I had ever known.
But I will never ever get over the fact that they made a dent in my relationship with her. That’s not a forgivable offense. That’s a life sentence.
I would really like to be able to tell them and make them understand how horrible they were and are. But if they had the ability to understand anything outside their little world, outside of their own self-made truths and rationalizations, they wouldn’t be despicable people. But they are. So it would be a waste of time. And that only adds to the anger. Because I’m stuck with it.
Hopefully, someday I will forgive myself. Most of all, I hope she does. But I also hope that there’s a special place in hell for them and that they burn for eternity!
So much anger is not healthy. But that’s all they deserve I’m afraid. Now I have to learn that I deserve better. At least, without those pesky chains, it’s a lot easier to go forward.
Thanks for listening Johnny.